I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
