Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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