after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
