I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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