So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
