do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
