I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If I die, sorry about rent.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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