I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
