Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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