I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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