It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
