cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
