where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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