I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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