So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
