At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize