Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
