My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize