Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
