I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My penis needs a shock collar
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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