could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
