Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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