Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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