Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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