just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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