For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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