We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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