This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize