We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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