Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
my shit smells like andre
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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