So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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