Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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