The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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