My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize