i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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