i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
