So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
