he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
