i just wanna soil my oats bro
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
