The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
