Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
