I think I am morally bankrupt
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
