Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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