life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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