Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
