Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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