So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
