can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
