I think i sorta joined a cult last night
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I feel great
I just peed on a car
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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