Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
