If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I skipped work to stalk him.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
