you lied. pity sex is amazing.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
