I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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