You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
