I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
