Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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