I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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