Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
