I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
