I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
