In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
