and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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