my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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