The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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