She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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