Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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