it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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